The Decision

The kid was sitting on a pile of clothes, she had taken out from the cupboard. I was in a hurry to dress her up and she was reluctant in getting dressed anywhere close to being descent. She figured out a torn blue t-shirt and pink faded skirt whose elastic had been compromised since last few months.

The Decision

She kept nagging me to dress her up in a whimsical, uncoordinated dress that was sure to pass me us an inattentive mother. I tried all the handy instruments of polite talk, cajoling, negotiating and even light dose of threaten. All, in vain.

The day was not good, anyways. I woke up with a baggage of indecisiveness. The everyday thought-battle of continuing the job versus quitting it till the kid grows up. A fracture in the kid’s left elbow fuelled the confusion even further. The lines between aspirations and expectations were blurring out. My expectation from myself was drifting away from life’s expectation from me. Extreme emotions and contradictory thoughts were ruling my charts. I never compromised on my work before, I didn’t want then also. I wanted to excel all things in upbringing of my kid as well. The need of all things perfect was leading to consistent failures.

Like the punctuation marks, I was tossing various decisions on my life to see how the different meanings of same sentences are possible. No matter which permutation I was zeroing down, finally I was seeing something been compromised. All the pieces of jigsaw puzzle were apparently making the picture whole, but were not tightly fitting with each other. “Compromise” is what I could see from the gaps of those unfitted pieces.

When in doubt, call Dad. That has been my mantra till date. He always doesn’t have answers to my questions, nor he is ready to give suggestions, but in his way of bypassing a question, I usually get my answers. He gives me clues and hints, and leaves me to construct the decision around. I asked him if it is still raining in Kolkata? Is Trinamool still on its way to self-destruction?

.. and then I meekly posed my question “Baba, if I quit my job, will that be a right decision?”

He said “I am not sure whether it will be a right decision or not, but I will be happy that finally you would be making a decision. That’s what matter more to me.”

The man threw the wisdom right back to me. He was certain in his uncertainty. He told me beyond the rightness or wrongness, it is the power of making a decision that matters the most.

I came back to kid’s room, calmer and confident. She still was holding her blue torn t-shirt and elastic-less faded skirt. I saw, she had already decided. I had to obey, I thought.

I dressed her in her choice of clothes. I kissed her forehead.

She was looking ragged, but the happiness of her own decision was beaming from her dilapidated clothes.

Amrita Thavrani is a mother to a two year old daughter. She writes children stories at Say hello to her while strolling at the tweet street @TheSeeSawMother.

  • You have expressed the confusion, the anxiety, the dilemma perfectly. Great post

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Thankyou Falak.. and what a lovely site you are running ! Spend a while there, loved that.

      • Thanks Amrita… Just started, we have a long long way to go 🙂

  • great post amrita.. so beautifully u have put out the confusion of every working mother… u r right that there is nothing right or wrong.. its the decision we ultimately make!! 🙂 all the very best

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Yes Supriya… isn’t the right to quit is more important the quitting it actually ?

  • Amrita, as I type this, I am in the midst of similar confusion and loss of direction. But unlike you, I haven’t been able to make up my mind yet 🙁 …. fantastic post!

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Thank you Meena. No hurry.. just dont bother yourself much. Doesn’t matter which side you are.

  • Aah! Every mother has to stand and decide at these crossroads some day or the other. Neither of the path chosen is easy or right!

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Sirisha, I have seen mothers who are determined about not to work at any cost or not leaving job at any stake. Problem is with us, who are too flexible. Hence the indecisiveness.

  • There are times when logic does not work with kids…. or with ourselves, I guess go with flow has been coined for those times. Well the kid was happy 🙂

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Go with the flow.. aah.. how tricky that statement is.. can we really be the torn and dry leave that has past the spring and fallen on the river ? Can we really go with the flow ?

  • Indeed Amrita, decision is important. And I am pretty sure, I would have been writing exactly the same thing, had I been working. As responsible professionals, we never want to compromise on our work. It is our pride.
    Well anyways, I made that decision long time back, before the little one came along. I stay at home now. I do miss the break sometimes because I am on my own with him most of the time, but at 18 months he has enough antics up his sleave, which makes me extremely grateful. I feel grateful that I am able to cherish those moments when I don’t have to rush anywhere. I love those moments of nothingness and just being 🙂

  • Amrita Thavrani

    You know.. I loved you for saying.. “I love those moments of nothingness and just being ” 🙂

  • Hey!! What was your decision?? 🙂
    Lovely post by the way ..

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Worked. Quit. Working in different mode. In between all, the indecisiveness always ruled.

  • Our choices of today make our tomorrows. And because the tomorrow is uncertain, our choices get layered with difficulty in decisions. Lovely post.

    Your decision is one such choice. Its a luxurious choice. A choice that is often not made and yet will refuse to go away quietly in the minds of those that have indeed made the choice.

    There is only one thing almost as difficult as making that choice. And that is to lay it open for readers to interpret and make their own reflections on the choices that they are making. This post hits that bang on. Congratulations!

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Kavi, you highlighted the same perspective, I tried evoking while writing this piece. Yes, I am sucker of open ended dilemmas than conclusive ones. Remember the movie “A Separation” ?

      Your comment always brighten up my post 🙂 Thank you.

  • Roshni

    who knows, she may be setting a new fashion trend! 😀

    • Amrita Thavrani

      Contemporary Ragged fashion !! Good Lord !!

  • Well said Amrita! Every time my son tugs at my shirt, every time he sees me get ready to work, every time he waves me good bye…and every time I look at his pictures on my phone, I ask myself the same question.

    I haven’t been able to take a conclusive decision…someday perhaps!!

  • Amrita Thavrani

    We can rarely have a conclusive decision, the best we can do is to cherish the power to ask that question, time and again. Best Wishes, Rituparna.

  • Sudipto Desmukh

    Great post! Your posts always.bring in different perspectives about life 🙂 loved
    The the fact where you mentioned uncles approach to a problem which is so uncanny yet so practical.

    Also the part that we have to make a
    Decision at times and give it our best !

  • Suparna Das

    Great post Amrita….. I always wondered if we make the right decision coz frustration and depression do follow u nevertheless when u see others managing so efficiently and confidently 🙂

  • Amrita Thavrani

    Thank you Sudipto and Suparna di.. I am way too surprised seeing both of yours comments 🙂