Of Scars And Smiles

Dear Maa,

Some days back, we completed 2 years of the detection of my malign tumour. I remember the day when I first experienced pain in my stomach and we had brushed it as my bad eating habits. Though after repeated bouts of pain, we visited so many doctors to ascertain the cause. I remember how shocked we were when we first came to know of my tumour.

Of Scars and Smiles

Till then, I had read about them only in my science books and you knew about it because you lost your sister-in-law i.e my maternal aunt to ovarian cancer. Both of us were so scared and lost. This couldn’t happen to us. This couldn’t happen to me! After all, I was just 22 then!

We decided against telling dad initially for we knew he is our weak-hearted baby. We also decided to keep A out of it, after all he is my baby bro and used to stay in hostel across the country. You were my support and I was yours. For 2 months, we tried alternate medicines but by then the tumour had become too big for us to handle. And then, I had my first paralytic pain attack that shook me up and rendered me out of action for a week.

Doctors after doctors, scans, tests, sonographies, city scans, heavy medicines, failure of liver, ovarian cancer scare, uncontrollable bouts of pain, innumerable sleepless nights, Anaemia, Jaundice, low BP, super High BP, and mental torture. You were there always besides me, scared, apprehensive yet a strong support system.

Diwali, my birthday, dad’s birthday, Christmas, New year’s, A’s birthday, almost every day of week was spent at scan centers, clinics and hospitals. I was weak and fragile as a baby but you ferried me to authorities without a word of complaint. Revival of organs, driving away the cancer scare, fighting the weakness and pain would have been not possible had you not been there with me, Maa.

Those 5 days in hospital saw me taking a rebirth. I revisited my first glimpse of world, first word relearnt, first sip of water, learning how to sit again, take baby steps again, push myself to run again only with your help. You stayed alongside and soothed her fears every waking minute. You saw through all the jokes your daughter cracked and sensed her insecurities. You supported her when she had nearly stopped believing in herself. All she wanted was a peaceful painless death after reaching her high point of tolerance as none of the painkillers would help her.  But Maa, you pushed her towards life again. You made me, me again.

A woman who has never ever fallen sick other than having common cold had just lost one of her ovaries to tumour. The doctors could not save my ovary and that reduced my chances of having a baby. You knew they did that, you knew the humongous number of stitches that now adorned on your daughter’s prided flat flawless abs, but you never said a word till the last day of discharge. For you knew, it would badly hit my self-esteem. Agreed, that was one of the lesser problems, but it was still a problem.

Honestly Maa, I was proud when you told me of my loss of ovary and gain of these scars. They will remind me about your strength forever. They will remind of this period of my life when I saw death an inch away from me and was rescued by an angel i.e you.  I am proud of you, Maa. It was a difficult thing to allow the doctors remove that ovary. It was a difficult thing to watch me in pain everyday, every hour. It was not easy for you to support me all the time by pumping in so much of medicines to keep me fighting and alive.

However, you did it.

Thank you and indebt are small words in return for what you have done for me. My God and everything is lesser description of you for me. I would just say, I owe every breath of mine to you, Maa.

Your love,
Shatru Ladli

Shatru Ladli is her mum’s enemy i.e Shatru as well as her beloved i.e Ladli (Psst this is my pet name kept by her among the 10,000 other awesome yet embarrassing pet names).

  • Hugs !!! I dont think I’ve enough words to tell what I feel…this is such a heart-wrenching post !!
    The strength you mother-daughter duo have shown is just tremendous….take care.

    • Shatru Ladli

      Thank you Uma 🙂

      My mommy strongest! 😉

      • I read this post many times, but did not know what to say so strong are the emotions it invokes.
        Your own comment Shatru Ladli in reply to Uma S is what captures it all.

        • Shatru Ladli

          Thank you so much 🙂

  • Dear Ladli,

    Before I write anything else, I need to give you one big hug.
    You have been strong. Your Maa is indeed your angel like most mothers are.

    Your post was very very touching. Brought tears to my eyes. Only the person who suffers knows. And only a mother understands. My regards to your lovely mother and lots of warmth to you…

    • Shatru Ladli

      Hey Shail, *hugs you back* Mommies are indeed the best angels that anyone can have. Thank you so much 🙂

      Oh come on, why have tears when we can smile? I chose to smile over tears thanks to Maa. I would request the same with you 🙂

      • Dear Ladli,

        I will. Will definitely…. It’s just that your post was written from the heart and that touched me somewhere deep within. And anything that is from the heart (happy or sad) tends to soften you, moisten your eyes like it did mine.

        • Shatru Ladli

          *BIG BEAR HUG* Aap kitne sweet ho!

  • Nidhi

    You are such a brave daughter and your Mom deserves all the applause and credit that you have attributed to her! Bless you both 🙂

    • Shatru Ladli

      Thank you so much! I have to be brave for I am my mommy’s daughter 😉 *Big bear hug to you*

  • Only a mother – daughter duo can pull off such a miracle. God bless you both SL. I lost my mom to cancer after we fought it bravely for over a decade. But every precious moment of the struggle is a memory I cherish for the sheer strength I’ve seen in my mother. Do read this as a tribute to every brave Cancer survivor : http://www.lafemmenirvana.blogspot.in/2012/10/the-cord-redux-ed.html

    God bless!!

    • Shatru Ladli

      Yes Meena, Moms indeed are very strong. I am really sorry to hear about your Mom and I salute her. Even though I just had a cancer scare, I know what it is to battle it out. Hats off to both of you.

      And I will surely go through the tribute. Thank you so much *hugs*

  • Oh My!!
    There’s so much sadness as well as goodness in this post.
    Hugs to you for bearing all that pain.
    And hugs to your mom for being the pillar of support.
    Your love and admiration for your mother is much deserved.
    May God give you both long healthy lives. Ameen.

    • Shatru Ladli

      Thank you so much for your best wishes ,Noor. May you be showered with them as well 🙂

  • Ashu

    A mother – child relationship is indeed the most unique, they draw their being and their strength from each other… a mother creates and nurtures a child; a child creates and nurtures motherhood!

    Their bond can tide any crisis together… and your story is just the proof..

    God bless!

    • Shatru Ladli

      I agree Ashu. I always address Maa as my baby. Treat her like she is my child. And well, she does the same. This bond that we share is nothing new. I guess, it is the same as every mother and daughter in the world 🙂 Just in my case, she rose over being a mother to be a savior 🙂

      Thank you 🙂

  • Oh SL.. I can imagine the pain you and your mom went through..
    You are a survivor, cheers to that!!

    • Shatru Ladli

      Thank you Divya 🙂 My mum made brought out the survivor in me. Indeed kudos to her 🙂

  • What a post! It shook me up. Kudos to you, you are a survivor. And hats off to your mother, with a friend and support system like her, one is bound to come out a winner

    • Shatru Ladli

      Thank you Ritu 🙂 Yes, when I have the strongest Mommy in the world, I never have to fear.

  • Jyothi

    Not really sure what to comment here. I was completely shaken too. I have a daughter too and I can imagine the pain and agony your mom must have gone through. Kudos to her for helping you through this and giving birth to you a second time. Best wishes to both of you.

    • Shatru Ladli

      Thank you Jyothi, I guess being a mother gives a woman the strength that she needs to do the best for her child. Every time, I ask Maa, she says the same. I don’t think I understand it right now, but I pray to God I get a chance to understand it someday 🙂

  • The best that I have read.. not because of the emotions or sufferings it encompasses but because of the beautiful vibes it sends across… Bless u and ur mom… Mums are the strongest. A few weeks ago, I underwent my first operation for stone and my mum who couldnot see me take an injection earlier, stayed with me through all my pains.. I can understand it all…

    • Shatru Ladli

      Hi Manjulika, thank you so much 🙂 Mums are indeed the strongest of the people in our lives. *hugs* Hope you are doing fine now 🙂

  • *correction – I had a benign tumor. I just spotted that I have written otherwise. My apologies.