Guilt is my new buddy after motherhood!
Am I a horrible mother, if I slack one day and let her eat ready-to-eat microwave pasta for lunch?
Am I a horrible mother, if I increase her strict screen time by a 15 minutes on a really frustrating day?
Am I a horrible mother, if once in a blue moon, I conveniently let her skip nap just so that I can spend more time in the mall?
Am I a horrible mother, if I sulk sometimes and not be the clown always?
Oh! Well.. I think I am. I am guilty. I am always in this particular mode when it comes to my parenting decisions. Sigh! It is tiring.
Why should I be guilty? I try to tell myself sometimes. I quit work to be with her 24/7. I was being puked on and kept up nights when my colleague happily pocketed the promotion tailor-made for me and didn’t even have the decency to send a thank-you note.
Well! No one asked me to, my alter-ego Guilty Mommy points out. Obviously, you had to quit. And you thought guilt is for the working-mums only.
Already I run on low battery almost from the beginning of the day. I don’t really need the guilt being a parasite on the already depleting resource, right? So the guilt graph is at its peak now with the toddler being at her two-year best.
I try my level best. The comparisons between kids is a major guilt-booster. My child has always been on the leaner side. I receive major flack for it and go on frequent guilt trips because of it.
My most powerful guilt trip is right from home. I have a million to-dos swirling in my head while I make my husband his breakfast and lunch to go. I am wondering how I’ll get these things done right before my appointment with my bank. Just then the little one toddles next to me and wants me to sing her favorite rhyme and dance with her. I immediately refuse her and ask her to find her dad. She walks away immediately with her head down and fat tears threatening to spill out from her eyes. ( I can’t see that but I am sure of it) GUILTY!
Obviously, I blame myself for creating most of the guilt. I have read too much and researched too much. As a pregnant lady I was always on the internet trying to figure out what are the dos and the don’ts of motherhood. What is too much screen time, too less attention, too less playtime, too much play time, scheduling and so on and so forth.
Its tiring the expectations and goals I seem to have set for myself as a parent. I bet my mother never gave half of the thought or research into her parenting and I didn’t turn out bad. A little paranoid and a drama queen I am, alright, but she did her job really well without all the research and the internet. She always tells me she enjoyed my childhood.
I wish I can tell my child that some day. That will only happen if I take a chill-pill. Let my guilt rest. As long as I see a hail and healthy smiling girl in front of me who seems always so enthusiastic about everything, I am doing a good job, ain’t I? I can take some leeways along the way while I do it. 🙂
An erstwhile Quality Analyst, Sirisha Achanta, is now a full-time mommy to an adorable 2-year-old girl and a part-time writer. 🙂 She loves to dance, dream and read a lot!