The Collective Fear

Fear is inevitable part of motherhood.

I experienced fear of abrupt pregnancy, dreadful child birth, psychological/physiological disorders, infant death and what not.

Till first trimester, I was basking in the glory of happy news. Second trimester onwards fear grappled me. All (Not most) of it was self made. Doctors were happy tracking the baby’s growth in my womb. Per reports and analysis, there was nothing to worry about. I was still gradually slipping into my unknown world of worries and anxiety. So many What-Ifs..

The moment I hold my kid for the first time, I feared loosing her.

She didn’t cry at birth and spent the first 24hrs of birth in NICU. I kept fearing.

I still fear, of her growth, health and happiness.

Debra Ginsberg must have experienced something similar to say “Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest”.

We all fear individually but then we are also connected by those same fears. We share common threads of insecurities. Vulnerable we are. Us, Mothers.

Have we not seek solace in collective anxiety?

These synonyms of “worry” may have been used in past in negative connotation, but believe me this talking and sharing of fear is an efficient source of curing the hidden darkness. We all have it, and can identify each other living in that same fear. This common fear levels us. Makes us all same.

Other day, a friend of mine shared few lines: “I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry and I know you do the same thing too. So we are really not that different.. me and u”. I connected immediately. We all will, I felt.

It wasn’t long back when a mother in this Parentous platform posted about her fear of losing her child, another mother talked about her post natal depression and someone mentioned the awkwardness of dealing teenage sexuality. We all, in different stages of motherhood got empathized. I heard the collective sigh. Our fear connected us.

Fear trapped in hidden closet brings anxiety in dark hours. Fear thrown to the world, bringing it up for discussion dilutes the very same. Holding hands and giving an oblivion look to the fear , is so much more relaxing than clinging the fear like a new born baby and nurturing the same.

One’s expression of fear, help others to be vocal. We become herd. Targeting fear as a collective demon. Discussing, analyzing, scrutinizing and deconstructing it together.

Let’s keep holding these virtual hands, we all need this.

Amrita Thavrani is a mother to a two year old daughter. She writes children stories at thestoryhook.blogspot.com. Say hello to her while strolling at the tweet street @TheSeeSawMother.