Catch – 22
Sometimes, life enacts really confusing, and when you are a parent this perplexity or dilemma increases manifold. Every parent wants to provide the finest possible upbringing to their child. In my pre-mommyhood days I always loved to explore different options in my life. But now my every move is connected to the fact that my child’s life & future is dependent on my decisions.
This is turning out to be a catchy situation. I worked for six long years before my daughter was born and then left my job to be a SAHM. I had been a workaholic who willingly spent extra hours in her job. Now, after a sabbatical of almost 1.5 years I am planning to start working again. Till this time I had thought of leaving my job to be a full-time mom was the toughest decision in my life but this phase is turning out to be more challenging than the previous one.
My reasons to join back work are very simple. We cannot deny that ‘money’ plays a pivotal role in today’s life. Even for a decent rearing of children we need the throttle of money. My second reason is quite selfish one. I had already taken a break of more than 18 months and elongating this period might affect my career graph.
The tug-o war of contrasting thoughts is getting intense in my mind day by day. A part of me does not want to leave the toddler in the hands of daycare or crèche while the other part is constantly scanning for reassurances in other working mother’s blogs & articles. My heart squirms with anxiety with the thought of letting my child venture in this bad world on her own.
Every time I come across any news of child abuse, I get drenched in mommy guilt. It is somewhat like playing game of snakes & ladders where you move a bit forward and roll back again from where you started. Every day I frantically search for good daycare in my vicinity and has already visited & rejected few who failed to meet up to my expectations. I already hired a full-time maid who can take care of all household chores so that I can devote all my quality time with my daughter. However, still the strings of various thoughts keeps on getting entangled with each other. My mind oscillates between inane details like how can daycare attendants handle such a hyperactive toddler whom we keep under watch 24×7 or what if she throws her ‘terrible tantrums’ there.
I am sure similar parenting dilemmas must have been faced by most the working parents. I have to let my daughter move into the outer world soon and I can’t always hover around her. But then when I think what my baby would feel when I would leave her in the daycare for the whole day, I writhe in pain. Am I being selfish or am I being too protective?
Somebody rightly said that ‘Having a child is to let a piece of your heart roam outside your body’.
Nibedita Bose is an ex-Team Manager and now a SAHM trying to sail through the changes of life. A mother of a 1.5 year old who loves to read & blog.