Should you be a parent or a friend to your children?
Should you jump that Lakshman Rekha of parenthood and jump into the arena of mutual give and take?
Should you be strict with your child in order to see that he/she grows up to be organized and disciplined?
When children come into our lives, they are like the gifts we always wanted but never ever got. Our little babies become little toys and in that one instant we are transformed into young kids having a precious toy to play with. Only this time, the toy is alive and kicking! Playing with toys in our childhood is one thing, taking care of them without hurting them is another ball game altogether.
Many parents today are busy persons, working at jobs (outside home and some, within the house). Monitoring the day-to-day, hourly activities of children can become a tremendous task for parents – sometimes an impossible work to do too. So, the best bet for parents now-a-days is either to become very strict to see that things are done properly. Or, become buddies to their children hoping that their kids will trust them more, overlooking the lack of quality time and in the process share their feelings with them. But, does this really happen?
In some cases, it does happen depending upon the nature of the children or the equation between parent and child. But, many a time, we find that as parents we are not always able to bring in that balance between both the extremes – of strict disciplining or buddy behaviour. We find that we are at a loss to fathom the right manner in which to behave with our children. Some of us might say that parenthood is all about trial and error. And rightly so. But, what if the errors become costly mistakes? What if our strict behavior becomes traumatic to our children? Or, our overt friendliness becomes a license to go scot-free and falter miserably.
Both suffer then – Parent and child. Parent more so because there is the guilt that as adults we could have done better; maybe made more mature choices. Maybe, been less strict. Maybe, shed the mask of a high-handed parent and come down to the level of the child. Maybe, not over-looked the mistakes of our children in the name of being friends. Maybe, not confused our children about how a parent should actually behave and act.
There is this vulnerable age when children consider their parents the only right people in the whole wide world. This is followed by a phase when they discover that their parents have clay feet. Then, begins the questioning, the query-evading, the rebelling and what not. We must not forget that we too went through it all. It is another fact that the times were different then and we were not always permitted to win over our parents unlike now. But then again there can be no generalizing. What is right for my child and me can be difficult for you and your child. The home environment, the values, the upbringing, and the time available – all make a difference in our relationships with our children.
I suppose every parent has to discover his/her own way out with his/her child. No amount of calculations can give the exact way in which to deal with our children. I for one have been strict parent and friendly parent to my child in phases. How successful I have been in these ventures – well! That is something I need to ponder about.
But, I would really love to know what you feel about this. What is your opinion? Success Ratio? Strict or Friendly?
Shail Raghuvanshi is a freelance journalist, content writer, editor, book reviewer and poet. She has 15 years of writing experience in newspaper, magazine, radio and television. She has worked as a Spoken English Teacher too. She runs a blog for writers called Write Space and blogs at her personal blog Muse N’ Motivation. A daughter, wife, mother and friend, she believes that there is no situation that can’t be made better. Faith, Friendship and Family are what makes her life complete.
Loading ...
a parent or a friend ? i think one of the hardest question to answer.My kid is just 3 and I have started facing the dilemmas of a parent .I know today’s small issues are going to be big ones tomorrow. Be it the choice of school , cartoon watching hours , interactions with outsiders every time new doubts and advises.
Parenting has no fix solutions or way we just have to work on hit and trial experimenting all the time and decide on our own depending on the situation what works best for the kids.so I will go with both the roles parent as well as friend ( a safe formula)
Hi Manjery,
Yes indeed. Mothering and parenting can be a difficult process. Since your child is only 3, you have plenty of time to plan your moves. But then, it is all about trial and error as both of us mentioned, not exactly planning. And parenting is definitely not a maths sum. We have to work out the sum and that too without any formula. Good luck to all of us parents….What say you?
You have synthesized your opinion well, Shail. And mine is more or less like yours. As the situation demands i am footloose with them at times at times i put my footdown. And like you have said there is no written manual or right or wrong. But i believe you should be a little free with the children , trust and empathize with them during their teens since we have already put the values by then……..and still hold the reins. At times, i am a friend at times i am a parent:)
Hi Asha,
Good to know that many of us are like this only. This extreme or that. Quite a tricky process I might say as just when you are thinking you are doing right, your child springs up with something and you begin wondering, where you went wrong.
Thoughtful post. Thoughtfully put.
I have always believed children know far more than we give them credit for. Nature has its own of letting them run their lives. And we may not need to ‘play’ either role and we just ‘be’!
Hi Kavi,
Yes. Definitely. We must never EVER underestimate our children. They are more conscious of a lot of things than we were when young. But, just letting be becomes difficult at times… Still working on that….
A very thought provoking post, Shail! In today’s times, parenting cannot be the 2 extremes ie too strict or too friendly. It has to be the right balance of both and I guess this equation does not remain the same in all the phases of the child’s growth…
Hi Shilpa.
Exactly. The extremes can be difficult to handle at times. When the going is smooth and friendly, it is all fun. But when things are not going the way they should, and you are not able to fathom what is going on then, or you know, you are being taken for a ride, the trouble starts. We need to figure it all out ourselves…
A well written thought provoking post..
Hi Jo,
Glad you liked the post. Thanks.
Hi Shail
Always a pleasure to read you thoughts. Very well written as usual. I guess, I am a freind and a parent depending on the situation too. I am friend enough for them to talk to me about anything and everything and I promise not to over react but a parent when they need me to be a parent and hold their hands to move forward.
Hi Brinda.
Thanks. Nice that you liked the article. We all are like that at times. But, many a time, our moves can go wrong. So, we must try not being too much of a buddy or a strict disciplinarian either. It is the middle path. But, sometimes, even that becomes invisible.
What do you think?
A common dilemma, especially in today’s world where we read so much about how parenting needs to be more open, we need to show more respect for our children, etc. Yes, the world has changed and children are more questioning and outspoken than we used to be as children. And it is important that we encourage them to be confident and unafraid by asking questions and even, sometimes, questioning our decisions. For children today cannot be convinced with an ‘Because I said so.’
At the same time, we need to also decide for ourselves where we will draw tbe line – certain things are sacrosanct and cannot be questioned or disobeyed, no matter what. And each parent decides this for herself. After all, in the quest to be open and accepting, we cannot forget that an important parenting task is to teach the child to take her place in the world, which means teaching her to accept boundaries, follow rules and co-exist with others.
Kritika Srinivasan
http://www.parentedge.in
Hi Kritika.
I agree with you entirely. The Lakshman Rekha needs to be there whatever the situation. As you rightly said, we are parents first and need to show the right way to our children. But in the process , we must not lose sight of the fact that the children need some space too…
Thanks for sharing.
Hi Shail ! Your opinion that every parent has to discover his/her own way to deal with his/her child is very convincing. We have heard people saying that kids are reflection of his/her mother/father and this is because of your upbringing. Your child cannot be like the neighbor. In a nutshell, the kids will turn out to be exactly how you bring them up. Also depends how you want them to turn out. If your priorities lies with your kids then surely come what may you will find time and make sure that they become good human being as you want them to be. Give them a safe and loving home and I am sure 50% of your fear that your child has gone out of hands will reduce, Values inculcated during the early childhood are very important, It’s not necessary that their values will not change. With the passing of time, the kids are sure to replace certain values with something more convenient or that resemble their peer group but this does not happen always. Well, I think the parents should do their best and leave the rest for time to prove.
Hi Mira,
A lovely comment. Yes, the priorities do matter. Sometimes, life’s activities do tend to carry you away from the goals that really matter to you and that very much includes one’s family. Children need to be made aware of their limits and the love that is always there for them. And yes, parents need to put in their very best without compromising. The rest, as you said, time will show/prove.
shail wonderful to read your article.Some one said.kids dont belong to you.you belong to them and they belong to themselves.well this is about belonging. but when it comes to parents being friendly or strict, i feel the parental love and at the same time parental authority matter in dealing with growing children.Family is the God ordained institution and parental authority really works.An authority in which love undoubtedly dominates all other rules. Love covers every aspect of life but friendship may not. i feel parental authority laced with love would work well.