When I was pregnant with Cub, my main thoughts were about whether it would be a girl or a boy. Even before I got married, I had wanted a girl, the main purpose being to dress her up. My mother, being a pediatrician, would tell me that a healthy child was what was most important, but I still dreamt about all the pinkness and frills 
.
However, (wo)man proposes and God disposes, and I landed up with a bouncy baby boy. He was fine, weighed a decent 3.150 kg and was all pink and wrinkled, as I imagine most newborns look like. I was very proud and my family, as well as the in-laws were thrilled.
But back home, once the influx of relatives started, my son’s cuteness was hardly the topic of discussion. As expected, everyone tried to match him to either of his parents (the general verdict being that he resembled his paternal grandmother), but what was (unpleasantly) surprising was that many people immediately commented on how fair he was, and smiled at me like I had won a lottery or something. I hadn’t noticed his complexion till then, it was hardly relevant to me as his mother. But then, should it be relevant to anyone??
Again, God disposes, and as with all newborns moving towards infancy, Cub’s features and complexion began to change. He was now no longer fair, his skin turned darker and his features caused people to comment that he looked like a replica of my brother! And it has been like that till date.
And then I moved to another state, away from our nosy relatives. But then, our neighbor’s part time help couldn’t help remarking, “Aapka color nahin mila isko” meaning “He didn’t get your complexion, did he?” with a ‘Too bad’ implied at the end of the sentence. No he didn’t, he looks more like his dad, but isn’t that how genetics works??
I’ve always hated fairness creams and the kind of ideal they try to propagate, so you can imagine how comments of these kind about my boy must have infuriated me. But I slowly realized that this isn’t a simple problem exclusive to any region, community, caste anything. These are some of the few things that truly unite Indians – abusing women and the whole ‘fair and lovely’ thing. People even tell parents of dark-skinned boys, “You’re lucky you didn’t get a girl with that color”. How insensitive can people get? One of my cousins was constantly commented upon, within her hearing, and she grew up with self-esteem issues. But the mental health of a child doesn’t seem to bother people. For them, color is more important.
Most of the ads and magazines nowadays feature chubby, fair-skinned little cherubs. All the healthy happy babies smiling and cooing at their beautiful, slim mothers are on the lighter side of the color spectrum. Are we propagating some kind of ideal mother-baby image??
As for me, if someone says something derogatory about my son’s complexion, I immediately retort and now they’ve learnt to stop. He is a happy, balanced and energetic boy and we couldn’t love him more. We never talk about people’s complexions and try to make our son look beyond appearances.
Living in times when appearances are a big deal, this is really difficult, but as everyone says, change starts at home. It is probably a good idea for ad makers, TV-serial and movie makers, magazine editors and other media heads to be more sensitive and aware when including babies and kids. We, as a country, need to move towards a more inclusive society, where a person’s real worth and character matter more than his or her complexion or gender. It is only when we rise above such petty discriminations, that we can truly take pride in our culture.
“One day our descendants will think it incredible that we paid so much attention to things like the amount of melanin in our skin or the shape of our eyes or our gender instead of the unique identities of each of us as complex human beings. ~ Franklin Thomas”
Fabida Abdulla is a former software engineer turned stay at home Mother Lion to her four year old son, whom she calls ‘The Cub’. She blogs about her crazy life at Shocks and Shoes.
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Fabida, a lovely post. I am of a darker complexion and so is my elder son. My husband is fair skinned. My younger son has got his dad’s complexion. I can’t tell you how many barbs my elder son faced. But as you pointed out, it is always at home. We have the power to make them confident and to make them understand how beautiful they are. My son is much more confident of his looks and is very handsome as well. Yet there are stray times when he hears “kaala” and I am proud to say, he does not get affected!
Kudos to you!!! It is quite a task to make a dark skinned child grow up without any self esteem issues in our country, doesn’t matter where you live!!! Sometimes I wish there were books tailor made for Indian children which promoted positive attitudes like respect despite differences
Children reflect their parent’s thinking as well as that of media exposure. Unfortunately both are extremely negative in India.
It’s just insane how this issue is still discussed, not just amongst the household help but also within so-called educated people! I get so irritated to see SRK and Sonam Kapoor feature in ads for fairness creams! Have they no shame or civic responsibility?!! It’s about time this issue of fairness dies a quick death now!
I love the Franklin Thomas quote….so apt!
I couldn’t agree more!! All the celebrities endorsing fairness creams are already highly paid movie stars or cricketers – do they really need to earn more by propagating such a disgusting idea within the Indian mindset?? Most of India’s social evils know no educational or economic barriers – it’s everywhere.
Seriously this fairness obsession needs to take a break. My daughter is fairer as compared to me & hubby. The weirdest thing I heard after her birth from one of my relatives that ” Good that she is fair…..now you do not have to struggle to find a groom for her”. Gosh my baby was few days old that time!!
You mentioned so correctly that change needs to be started at home.
I suppose this whole ‘burden of getting my daughter married’ is the root cause of many evils. Parents fear that and kill of their baby girls before being born, they control their daughters’ clothes, hobbies and freedom to control their ‘reputation’, and then they try to whitewash their dark girls so that they can satisfy the superficial desires of potential in laws. When will people realize that girls aren’t being born to get married and serve their husbands?? That they are their own people with their own lives? Ugh!
Absolutely loved the post! I have one child who is fair skinned and the other who is not so. Most of the time I am fighting off potential comments against or for either one of them! Very sad state of affairs indeed, Fabida, and you’ve captured it beautifully!!
Thank you, Meena!!! I know the difficulties of having a dark skinned child, but having siblings with different complexions must be a whole different scenario! Kudos to you for handling it well – may your tribe increase!!
This topic needs attention and you have brought it out really well..
The bias starts from home and why do we really have to bring looks and complexion among our conversations… But the truth is we all get attracted to anything that looks good.. however this habit should be kept to materialistic things and no where else.
I think the idea of what ‘looks good’ is subject to a variety of factors. Indians consider fair skin, large eyes and long hair to be good looking – features that aren’t as important in other cultures. But whatever that may be, it definitely doesn’t need to be given undue importance at the expense of character, personality and kind heartedness. You’re right – the bias does start at home, and that is also where the cure should begin!!