My kiddo has a mind of her own. She knows exactly what she wants. She wants to do everything herself – common among toddlers and in our household she gets to do it. If something doesn’t go her way, she puts up a fight. She is all of four years old.
As parents, it’s not always easy to manage her sense of independence. She throws a fuss at unexpected times to get what she wants – power struggles are very common which sometimes leads to misbehavior. This gets worse when she is hungry or tired.
I was worried initially about her determination and everyday power struggles. But I realized that having an independent child is better than making her obedient. We can scold, punish, bend and mold her to be obedient, but is that what we want – An obedient girl who just listens to what elders tell her! That’s the last thing I want for her. Being independent gives her confidence. She forms opinion of her own. She comes across as clever and friendly.
Here are the things that work for me to handle my kiddo’s Independence and still get socially acceptable behavior from her.
Avoid power struggles:
This is something unavoidable. My only tip is to know when to give-up. I offer her choices to begin with. For example, I give her choice of 2-3 dresses to pick from. This way she wears something decent that we both can agree upon.
Don’t react negatively:
Patience is virtue. I seek to understand what the kid wants, what is the root of her misbehavior. My hubby has loads of patience in this department. I look up to him to handle her. He always validates her emotions and gives a name to her feeling. Reprimanding for misbehavior or labeling her bad is something that should be avoided at all cost.
Established routine:
It’s a known fact that kids fare well in an established routine. If they know what is coming next they will be prepared for it. It’s not always possible to keep the child in routine. She needs to get out of house, engage in social activities, react to situations and still behave appropriately. To make it easy on kiddo, I try to explain to her as much as I can about the exercise. I also tell her what is expected of her and how she is supposed to behave.
Positive reinforcement:
My husband has set up a great reward system for her. Whenever she behaves well she gets star stickers of various colours, she gets to choose which one she wants. We also praise her for good behavior and ask her to behave exactly the same way next time.
The more we expose kids to situations the more they learn. They adapt, get comfortable and confident. The more the challenge, the quicker they master. We just have to suppress the tendency to compare our kid with others and the craving to make them obedient. I confess that I am still learning all these, after all that’s what parenting is – to continuously learn and grow with kiddo.
Divya Rao is a mother to a 3.5 yr old bundle of joy. She has one eye set on growing her career and the other watching and enjoying her little one grow up.
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I agree. Mostly with “Don’t react negatively”. Negative reactions can only make them stubborn, with positive touch sooner or later they understands.
Thanks Amrita, yes patience is virtue .. sooner or later they understand ! Some kids are more adamant than others …
I love the structure of ur articles
I am glad .. Thank you for leaving a comment!
Great advice and I agree that giving toddlers a choice up front so they feel they have some control works well. We like to use re-direction too, which (up to a certain age) has us pointing to a shiny object away from the trouble…sadly, this stops working at some point!
Agree Kat, redirection worked like a charm when my daughter was young .. Once her memory power improved, redirection gave way for negotiation !! Thanks for leaving a comment!!
Ha ha my world is simpler so far. Redirection helps a lot!
Thanks for clearing the heads Divya. You successfully showed the other side of a virtue; obedience, which is cherished by almost every parent.
The day ‘creation’ looks in the eyes of creator and communicate, its time for the creator to acknowledge its individuality and start developing harmonious co-existence with it rather than indulging in power struggles. Once we accept and respect it, we can find better ways of communication and get the things done without imposing ourselves on them as you mentioned by giving options to them….
Thanks Rachana!! Glad to read that you echo my sentiments.
Good point Divya. Unfortunately we expect our kids to be obedient but forget that they are children who know not what is obedience. We need to accept the fact that they are kids and this is the part of their life when they are going to fully enjoy themselves. However, a little dose of discipline and sweet advice helps them to understand what is expected from them. The biggest turn-off for children is the word “Don’t” .
I read that the word “Don’t” must always have an alternative word. For example: when we say don’t watch TV. We also need to have an alternative, Let’s play this word game.
That’s a very good suggestion!! Thanks Fayaz..!!
Hey Divya, somehow I had not read this article. Thanks for re-directing me. And it seems we think alike on obedience issue
On one side we expect our kids to become creative, adventurous and risk-takers, with minds of their own; while on the other hand, we slowly curb those attributes. We cannot have laddoos in both hands
If somebody asked me what is the single most important thing required for raising children. I would say Patience. And honestly, that is not one of my virtues. But motherhood is teaching me a lot of things.
Yep agree … We cannot have laddoos in both hands
My daughter is teaching me ABCs of Patience. I had zero patience before her!!