‘Equal Parent’ – I first noticed this word in the book ‘Raising Boys’ by Steve Biddulph. An ‘Equal Parent’, as the term suggests, is a parent who shares the parenting roles and responsibilities equally, believing them as his own and not as doing favours or helping out his other half.
Read on and may be you would find resonance of your own thoughts.
Case 1
The other day, I told my friend (also a stay-at-home mom to a 19 month old toddler) that I went for a movie and shopping over the weekend, and reached back home only after 7-8 hours.
She was bewildered that my son stayed with his dad for so long without crying for mom.
I told her, ‘And why should he be crying? He was with his dad after all.’
In her household, she is the one who is on 24 hours beck-and-call of the sonny boy. She feeds him all his meals, massages, gives him bath, takes him for stroll and puts him to sleep. All that over and above cooking all meals herself (that includes giving dabba to hubby dear).
Case 2
Another friend is a working mom to a 20 month old little girl. She depends heavily on her in-laws for taking care of her baby when she goes off to work. She confided in me that her husband would play with the little one but only when he felt like it, otherwise he would not help out in any baby-related work. Had it not been for her in-laws, she would not have been able to continue with her job.
What is it with dads really? And of course, I am not talking about ALL dads but SOME dads who choose NOT to be an EQUAL PARENT. And of course, my judgement is not on the basis of these 2 cases but I have come across several of them. I see women getting miserable trying to manage everything on their own, with little help from their husbands.
I would not dwell too much on what used to happen earlier because we are all aware of that. But right now it is the need of the hour to share equal responsibilities of raising children between husband and wife or partners. Both bring different things to the table.
The main issue which I find in several households is that fathers assume that mothers know how to do everything for the baby perfectly, and they would not be able to do those things well themselves. But the truth is except carrying the baby and nursing, there is no other thing in which a mother has an edge over fathers. But the dads first need to believe that they can do it.
Several men from traditional families also believe that what women do at home – like keeping house and raising children – are easy. Of course, not true again! I have been a professional and a stay-at-home mom at different times, and I can say without batting my eyelid that raising a child is much more difficult. All your days are not hectic at work but with a young child you always have to be on your toes, whether you are feeling up to it or not. You get tea breaks and lunch breaks at work. But mothers don’t have that luxury at home until the time the little one naps. How to sneak into bathroom also requires strategic thinking. You have your food at leisure, while the mother bangs her head to many failed projects of making the young one eat a proper meal.
Over and above everything else, being a part of your child’s every day routine is rewarding and a matter of pride. And it is also an opportunity to live the lesson of equality rather than just preach.
I understand that I have raised this topic at a place read mostly by people who are already an equal parent (otherwise they would not have been here). So, it is my request to everyone to raise this issue with friends and family where we see an imbalance in parenting. We have to raise well-balanced children who should see that equality begins at home. 
Note: This post is dedicated to my husband who has been an equal parent from Day 1. From cooking for a nauseated wife during pregnancy to taking over baby care in the early days immediately after delivery, from teaching me a thing or two on how to put our baby to sleep to doing everything with deft to this day for our ‘star’, he has risen up to every occasion.
Reema Sahay is a stay-at-home mom who spends her days running around her very curious toddler, ‘the star’, and catching up on books when he naps. She writes about charms and challenges of life at Pen Paper and shares her passion for books at Recommend Books. She sometimes feels that her 5.5 years stint in Marketing Communication was in another life.
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This Equal parenting is not as common as I thought!! Thanks for bringing this up and its importance!
No Divya, it is certainly not common especially in traditional and/or joint families. With many people around to take care of children, dads are usually not so much involved with kids on day-to-day basis.
Good one Reema .. I am also honored with enjoying equal parenting.. My husband really with me in all the way . Thanks for taking this issue as there few friend’s / relatives in-laws at home still thinks my hubby is caring extra for us being taking care for my daughter when its not possible for me.. Nice one
I know Sumedha, people make you feel guilty of getting YOUR work done by your husband. They don’t believe that the responsibilities rest equally on fathers and mothers. But thank God, we have men in our lives who believe in equal parenting!
Wonderful post, and I wholeheartedly agree. I feel I am married to an equal parenting partner, but sometimes I still see glimpses of myself as Parenting Project Manager. It is easy for husbands to defer to their wives for parenting guidance, and from there, it is easy to slide into unequal roles. This is such an important issue, and when done properly, it can really prevent unhappy mothers, I think.
You are absolutely right Stephanie. I have observed that dads are more hands-on, while moms will do a lot of research, read up, chat with fellow mothers etc.
In this book ‘Raising Boys’, there is a chapter where one such case is discussed. The dad and mom realised after several years that the mom, unintentionally of course, came in the way of spontaneous relationship between the dad and the children. We have to let go of our control
hahahha!! I told my husband when I was pregnant that I had NEVER handled a baby before this! After his initial shock, he came up to speed and more! I can safely say that I am the unequal parent in our house!!
Even I had never handled a baby before. I have beenthe sort of person who has neve been into kids, you know kids’ favourite didi or aunty, that I have neve been! But parenting is a spontaneous learning experience. My hubby would not even hold a newborn baby before we had one, but after ‘the star’ came into our lives, he believes we have to do it and do it well
I think sometimes, it’s mothers themselves who put a hammer in the works. I, for example, have a tendency to correct my husband every time he takes over some child-rearing task; maybe I should ease up and leave him to it!!
I sheepishly admit, so do I
Now I can recall I would object on every singl thing he would do like if he would throw the toy back to toy box, I would say he would learn too. If he would make ‘the star’ laugh by lightly banging something on his head, I would say you are giving him ideas, and so on and so forth! We should just let them be. He told me why you have to argue about evey single thing I do. And I agreed with him, yes I objected to almost everything! But he is a sport, so all is well 
Good write up….I am privileged to have a hands-on hubby who shares the responsibility equally. However from one of your replies to earlier comment I can relate that even I fuss about so many things he does….like he was making faces and I objected, He was dragging a soft toy and wrestling with him & I objected…..you said so correct ‘We should let them be”
I agree
Though difficult, we have to let them find their own ways and means of communication and fun.
A topic that’s really important and of concern.. and definitely need of the hour in today’s hectic life. Even if mum is not working still Dads should play an equal role as a parent.
Absolutely Manjulika! Looking after a kid is a tremendously challenging and demanding job, and it is not possible for a mother to do it all alone, neither should she. A father’s role and importance is non-negotiable.
I am currently a housewife or a stay-at-home-mom. I have outsourced my cooking and cleaning chores to focus on our ‘star’ but still I get worn out by the end of the day, and then my husband takes over after coming back from office. I get that window to relax for a while.
This is such a topic which need to be spotted… My husband is quite hands on though but i agree sometimes I nag him too….dont do this…oh my god u know nothing n all.. so i keep telling myself to take it easy!!! the other problem is like I stay with my in laws so I also feel that they sometime feel very surprised when he does something in front of them… n with inlaws they often believe ( unlike yr parents) that their son cant handle it so let them do it… but then guess what..I wasn’t orn as a mother, I also learnt all this when i had a baby…so I guess its the maturity of the elders in the family …because if they point out such things …their sons will feel less awkward and will be able to make a better bond with their babies
I understand Vandana. Eyebrows are also raised by family and friends when the hubby does more than what has been conventionally found. Mothers are expected to figure out their way but people flock to help out poor dads!
Even I was not a natural mother, we all learn along the way. I would dread everytime our baby would cry, how would I soothe him, I would wonder. Because no matter who was holding him, when he would cry, the baby eventually comes to a mother’s lap and she is expected to KNOW how to soothe him. But my husband never behaved that way even single time. If is aware that the baby was not hungry, he would soothe him on his own