Few days back we celebrated our wedding anniversary. My hubby and I took a day off from work and decided to spend the day out together doing things we like. We watched a romantic movie. We went to our favourite fancy restaurant for a slow, leisure lunch. We went to a mall for some lazy strolls and window-shopping on a weekday afternoon. We sat wordlessly, sipping our coffee in a coffee shop while watching people go about their activities. Sounds like your distant past, doesn’t it??
Oh, yes! We do have a very active 3.5 yr old. How did we manage to do all these with her? We sent her to childcare while we went for our day-out. Our parents gasped and concluded that we were very selfish. They couldn’t appreciate that we were not taking her along. Not only parents, many of our well-wishers who learnt about our plan and asked about kiddo either expressed their sympathy or gave a smirk.
We do take out our kiddo a lot – family time, play-dates or family outing with other friends who have kids. But this was our special day!
Imagine how our day would have been with kiddo. First of all we would have to pack a big bag of things we would need to keep our kiddo occupied at the movies and restaurant. We would have to take change of clothes, some snacks, water bottle among many other things. We would have to pick a kid friendly movie, plop her in between us in the movie hall and continuously answer all her why questions. We would then only hope that she would sit through the movie. Once that is achieved, we would have to choose a kid-friendly cafe. We would take turns to monitor that kiddo behaves and that she eats her food. When at the mall, we would either be at kiddies’ playground or at the supermarket buying groceries. We would be so exhausted by the time we reach home that we try not to cross each other’s path lest we snap.
Date night is not part of Indian culture. Our parents and grand parents might not have heard the term at all. They took kids everywhere with them. They didn’t have freedom till the kids were grown up and out of house. By that time they would have forgotten what it is to be alone with their spouse.
Although I maintain that we needed to go out without kiddo to celebrate our wedding anniversary, deep down I felt guilty. Why do I have to feel guilty of going out with my own husband? What is with our culture that makes me guilty of spending time out without my kid? Why do I have to justify this? Why do I have to explain this to my mum or mum-in-law? Why am I being labeled selfish?
Before our first kid we were something else. We had some identity other than mom/dad. We were lovers. We were husband and wife. We met friends, we read books and we had some hobbies. What happens after a baby? We forget all other relations and we are just a mom/dad. Even when we are alone with our spouse, all we can talk is about kid(s). Should we be so attached to our kids sending them clear signals that we do not have any other purpose in life? Should we not draw clear lines to avoid getting totally taken for granted and let them walk all over us once they get independent!
With kids around, a lot of things will go wrong and that’s what usually happens on that all-important day. I had planned a lot (that included kiddo), this year, for my birthday. But my kiddo fell ill with conjunctivitis and high fever. I couldn’t have celebrated with her suffering. To me, that’s not done. But when things are all-right it’s okay to take time off. You can almost always avail help to take care of your kids. Use your support system of family, friends or childcare options.
I do not even want to start talking about the importance of date nights. You need a break from your parenting duties for the health of your marriage, for the health of your family. Your kids can manage just fine for that couple of hours without you I am sure.
Divya Rao is a mother to a 3.5 yr old bundle of joy. She has one eye set on growing her career and the other watching and enjoying her little one grow up.
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Tears in my eyes! When I read about what you did on your annivesary, I was wide-eyed, how did you manage! I miss those times too. The one thing which my friends used to tell me but I never paid too much heed earlier when I was pregnant, and the one which I keep reminding other expecting women in my life, is spend as much time together as a couple as possible! Things are going to change forever.
Hi Reema, for a long time after my kid I was in denial that we do not have to give up on our couple time… But nearly 4 yrs after kiddo, I have finally fully understood that a day out like this is indeed very thrilling and happening !
I don’t have a kid but I am scared to have one.. It seems my fun time will totally come to an end. Parents love kids absolutely but managing time for themselves once in a while is not bad.. you should not feel guilty at all. I think with time people will understand that to be good parents, its important to have a great relationship too and for that you must sneak some time solely for each other.
Hi manjulika, fun time has new definition after kids. But couple time surely changes completely!
divya dont feel guilt i know the value of spending time with companion
It’s really important isn’t it?? Thanks for understanding..!!
Anniversary wishes Divya. You had a rocking one
Thanks a lot Amrita.. We enjoyed it thoroughly..
I understand, have been caught with such dilemmas too. It is just so difficult to explain to family and extended family the need to go out with the husband. And you know what, often it is the mother who is on the receiving end of questions and explanations. Happy you found a solution for your day out, we do need them from time to time!
You said it chatty wren!! I was asked the question, my husband was blissfully unaware until I ranted about it!!
Hey, it is always the women -the one who blames and the one who receives the blame.
Bulls eye.. Sad but always true!!
Times like this one wish a joint family…. you leave the kids with the parents without any guilt and enjoy a day off….
We have done this many times leaving the kids with their grandparents and go for a movie. Nothing to feel guilty about it………..enjoyed reading it.
Yeah Prasad, we do miss our extended family!! So stealing days like this become very difficult!!
Divya. you just made my day. After having been criticised (almost 8 years ago) at leaving the little one at the creche on my off day, this comes as a welcome surprise that there are other parents too, who have realized the importance of bonding with the spouse!! After all, happy spouses make better parents too, right (thats a good way to get rid of the guilt too
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Meena, I am still surprised that even after 8 years it is still frowned upon !! I guess some things never change!!
I offer my appreciation. You have very well composed the issue. Our consciousness often presents such dilemmas but as said in our Upnishads “sharirmadhyam khalu dhrma sadhnam” you can do all good work and duties with healthy mind and body only so its our prime duty to keep ourselves in a healthy frame. I am sure your kiddo must have got one of the warmest hugs by mom dad when you were back from your day out
Thanks Rachana.. You are right, We were fully involved in her activities for the next few days with good frame of mind..
Glad you had a wonderful time. I’ve stopped feeling this guilt long ago. I am strengthening my relationship with my husband, and in that way, am doing a favor on my sons!!
Roshni, I am glad to know that I am not alone, really!!
Divya, I totally agree with you!
Malini, I am glad. Thank you.
Perfect article Divya. There should be no guilt trips at all. I feel sometimes we have overdone with kids and that is how we face the wrath of it.
True .. My friend tells a story. She asked her mom “How did you entertain all 3 of us when we were young?” and her mom replied “I never did .. I provided you with basics and taught manners .. That’s all.”