Yes, I have a son.
When he was born, there were joyous celebrations to welcome him. My elder child, a daughter, welcomed him with love only a sister can have for a brother. All the ashirvads (blessings) of “Doodhonahaoputo falo” (bathe in milk (ugh!!!) and give birth to sons(!)) had apparently worked its effect well.
Before my son was born, my daughter was my entire world. And I would glare angrily at anyone who even remotely suggested that my second one (I knew I wanted two!) had to be a boy to “complete the family” (whatever that meant!). I was certain that my second one would be a daughter too – because I felt I would never be able to love a son as much – yes, that’s how much I love my daughter.
But when he was born, it ceased to matter that he was a son. For me, it was just love all over again.
I remember how some indignant relatives (angered by the fact that I preferred to have healthy babies to “puto falo”) told me that bringing up a daughter was a difficult task in this terrible world. How the daughter would prove to be a huge responsibility – even a liability (“Parayadhan” – somebody else’s property).
But today, what prompted me to write this post is not how my daughter is my blessing (which she is!). Rather, it is to explain why I am glad I do have a son.
No – not because my family is “complete”.
Neither because I feel he will set fire to the pyre when I die (frankly, I care two hoots what happens to my body after my death). Nor is it because I think a son is insurance to an easy retired life, or because of a dowry that he traditionally is supposed bring in.
No – not even that he may act as a bodyguard to my daughter…..
After all, these are the traditional reasons to have a son, right?
My reason is something different. The way I see it, raising a son is way more difficult.
While he may have friends, relatives and acquaintances that are treated special because of their gender, he will need to be told in no uncertain terms, that he is never going to get privileges because he is a son.
I have to, at the risk of him being ridiculed by others like him, teach him to wash, clean and cook – just the way my daughter will learn too. I will also have to sternly voice my opinion, above other, sympathizing voices, to tell him that curfews will remain the same for him and his sisters – as will inheritances.
I have to train him, in the midst of conflicting societal norms, to treat his sister as his equal. Not as a brother who will protect her, but as a brother who will respect her.
I have to remind him, perhaps amidst disapproving stares, to look down upon any practice that differentiates him and his sister – including dowry, inheritance and rituals.
I have to gently prod him to follow his own heart to do the right things – and not be swayed by peer pressure; whether they are matters as complex as love scorned, or as simple as cuss words.
Most importantly, I have to tell him that there are many out there, who resemble him in their gender, but not in his humanity; that rapists and molesters and eve teasers are for real – that he may even be friends with one. I have to train him to not only respect a fellow human, but also retaliate when he sees things going wrong.
Isn’t that one of the biggest responsibilities of a parent today?
*This post is dedicated to a strong-willed 23-year-old woman, fighting for her life in a hospital in Delhi, after being brutally raped in a moving bus by 5 men, one of whom claims he only watched it happen. The answer is not in bundling up our daughters in safety, it is in raising our sons right.
Meena Bhatnagar is a mother of two, with a passion for the written word. She dabbles with fiction, a couple of them finding their way into published work, is an avid blogger, and works as a corporate trainer to pay for all the damages. She blogs on parenting, social issues and humorous incidents of her life and on hotel & restaurant reviews and corporate training.
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Beautifully written!! Loved reading this. I have a 4 year old boy and could relate to this so well. I was nodding at every sentence. So true “The answer is not in bundling up our daughters in safety, it is in raising our sons right.”
Thank you so much Simran!! We can only wait an watch as this generation of men grow up…. fingers crossed..
No one could have put it in a better way, Meena!!! It is a good thing that at least today’s mothers are trying to bring about a change.
Thank you Fab …… looks like mothers will have to start buiding the nation as well ….
You are so right, something seems to be fundamentally wrong in the way men are brought up! We can only aspire to do things differently for the men of tomorrow.
Chattywren, thank you. The devil, as they say, are in the little things that we say or do…. “Cry like a girl” …. “The kitchen is no place for a real man”….. right?
I completely agree with you, as mothers we have to teach our sons that women are their equal. And that there is nothing demeaning in dusting the house or cooking a meal!
Rtiu, I just read your post that has the same message as this one, and all I can say is that the world needs more mothers who stand up and refuse to let their sons be raised like animals!!! Thank you!
Oh god! I was planning exactly the same post
and you have written it so well. Indeed, looking at what is happening all around, I feel it is more important to raise our sons well. Of course, that would mean going against the tide most of the time, what with sons being exposed to confusing messages (with other people in the family or outside sermonising him on the male stereotype); but it must be done if we want a better world and a better future for our daughters and sons.
Reema, please go ahead and write that post – we could do with as many reminders as possible on this… thank you for the kind words.
Awesome…I stand up and clap***. If i have a son someday, I would surely follow what you have mentioned in this beautiful post. I wish all the mothers drill the same upbringing to their son then we don’t have to lock up our daughters to save them.
Nbose, I hope you do have a son (puto falo
)….. just so that we have one more sensitive male in the world !!
Awesome write up Meena!!!!
Thank you so much limmerick
Even i am a mom to a 15 year old daughter and 13 year old son. I am proud to say that my son cooks, makes tea, dries out the clothes, keeps his cupboard and home tidy does all the work. I am sure our generation of parents will raise boys to respect women.
And thumbs up to you for so beautifully articulating. I agree we don’t raise children because they will take care of us in oldage. Boy or girl, today it is important to teach them to respect humanity.
Asha…. that is so nice to know … I aim to have the same kind of atmosphere at home as well! But the sad bit is that this outlook constitutes barely one percent of the Indian popuation…. I know of highly educated mothers asking their daughters to “run and get bhaiyya a glass of water” – while both of them are eating their lunch!!!
You’ve penned your thoughts down beautifully Meena… I believe raising your child to a responsible adult is the need of the hour. I don’t have a son, but I know, you would do a fab job in raising both your children. Read it somewhere…
We need to teach our girls:
-That there is more to life than meeting your prince
-That big rigs, trains, dump trucks, and fire engines are pretty cool
-That boys are not dumb
-That no one is allowed to hit them ever
-That they can play hockey, box, and ski jump (even if the Olympics doesn’t think so)
-That they can be political and business leaders
-That math, engineering, science and information technology are great careers
- They shouldn’t dress up only to impress others… And no one can walk up and tell them to strip/cover up
-That their health issues are important, even if research and care for them is underfunded
-To say no
We need to teach our boys:
-That it is okay to cry and it is good to express your emotions
-That they can like pretty colours, flowers, sunsets, and cute furry animals
-That girls are not sissies
-That violence is not an acceptable way to resolve disputes
-That women and girls are people, not objects
-That they can be stay at home fathers
-That they can play with dolls
-That their health issues are important, even if society tells them that only the weak see a doctor when they are suffering
-To respect no
Wow Falak!! that was a wonderful comment. If we followed the rules you’ve just mentioned, I think all our social inequalities would vanish! Than you!
This is such a beautifully written post !!! Hugs to you for such resolutions from a mother can surely change the world
Thank you so much Uma – it is reassuring to know that so many mothers feel the same way!
Absolutely – we need to bring up our sons right! Fabulous post.
Thank you Nidhi!
Lovely… Sons have to be taught well enough to know to respect not only their mothers and sisters at home but every other female who may not be related to them but has an equal space in the society.
Absolutely!!! – the lessons however, begin at home. Thank you so much Manjulika!
Wonderfull post .We have to bring up both r sons & daughters with a sense of responsibility.Both my sons usedto help me in house hold work,& now they help their wife’s.Treat both the boy & girl child as equals.A great hug to u.
Thank you so much Prabha …. I am sure mothers like you just make the lives of many other people much easier (including the wife of your son!)… Kudos!
I have a son too, a 1 year old. And when I read about the crime committed against the girl in Delhi, I feared. I feared because I have a son and I want to raise him right. Being a first time mother, living abroad, I wondered how I should incorporate values in my son so he would learn to respect a woman, respect humanity.
I share your sentiments. Raising a son is far more difficult.
Thank you so much Priyanka! And with parents who are aware of the little things that go a long way, such as yourself, I think we can be a little more optimistic about the future of our daughters too.
Certainly. Raising our sons right, that is far more important than tying our daughters with obligations. Great post Meena once again.
-Jas
Thank you so much Jas!
A wonderful post Meena and you echo my sentiments. How the sons behave a few years down the line depends on how they were raised. It is imperative for us as parents to give them the right values. And certainly, they need to help around in the house unlike earlier times where, the boys wouldn’t even take a glass of water on their own!
Exactly, Shilpa. Even in our generation, it was a culture shock to our poor husbands when they discovered that they would need to pick up after themselves – I know of husbands who walk into the shower and yell for the towel – the wife promptly drops everything else to ‘tend’ to her husband, much to the appreciation of all and sundry!! That needs to change!
Wonderful post, Meena! I agree that raising sons is difficult IF one wants to raise them right!
Thank you Roshni…. and thats a big ‘if’!!
very beautifully written as if u read my mind.