• agree.. my mom used to take a share of our chocolates unlike my other friends mothers( sacrificing onces). she used to say, ” i too have a mouth ans stomach”. that implies that she too has a life, other than being a mother.. 🙂

    • I fight with them over chocolate 😛 I also fight over television channels to watch. I also go to parties, and hang out with friends. I can’t live life through them. It gets to be too much

  • You can give your kids no better gift than the freedom to be themselves, Ritu. So proud of you. ♥

  • vasudha

    Even I feel, that some parents are so overwhelming in the upbringing of their kids, that they give me an inferiority complex.

    If we do not have a life apart from being a parent,we would get lost, once the nest gets empty. Moreover ,since we cared so much ,we expect that our kid must care equally .This raises our expectations & disappointment leads to depression.

    • Don’t wait to live your life. It makes the kids feel guilty. Free themselves and you yourself of the burden. Happy balanced parents have happy balanced kids

  • Fab

    Love this post!! The self sacrificing Ma sewing away with her arthritic fingers is so dead!!! If we have to set an example to our daughters, what better than to be your own person and to give yourself priority!!

    • Exactly. We have to draw a line and let the kids enjoy their lives. We have ours to live

  • Shatru Ladli

    Touche! 🙂

  • Awesome Ritu 🙂 This is where I am trying to be and hopefully I’ll be able to do it as wonderfully as you…hugs !!!

    • Oh for a very long time I was intimidated by over protective parents. But I just could not be like them, it did not feel right to me. Thankfully the boys did not grow up wrong, and that vindicated my stand on this issue

  • janu

    These days there is so much pressure on the kids to excel in everything. Moms are only happy in ferrying them around from one class to another. If another mom tells you that her kid is enrolled in so and so class…you panic and thing your child will be deprived of something.
    God! didn’t we grow up with out all these ‘taam-jaam’. Let them be.
    And yes, I am enjoying my very own space I have created for myself and my kids do give me that space.
    Its the others who think otherwise.
    Kudos to you.

    • Thank you Janu. Parenting should be a fun thing. That style of parenting is not for me – its too much work!

  • Nidhi

    Super! Thats the best legacy. I keep telling myself that this parenting ‘gig’ is something that I am doing for myself as much as for the kidlet – I don’t want her to feel obliged about it and I certainly want no thanks.

    • Nidhi when they grow up, become teenagers or adults, they withdraw. It is very tempting to extract one’s pound of flesh by “jatao-ing” all the sacrifices we made. I give in to the temptation too 😉

      They laugh at me 😛

  • Absolutely agree!! Some parents try to live their lives and unfulfilled dreams via their kids and then feel helpless when their kids grow up and leave!! You have a great parenting philosophy!!

    • Live and let live – is my philosophy. Or rather, Live … and give me space to live my life, not as a mother, but as me

  • Haha .. Foot-in-mouthitis … I have that too!!

  • Rachna Parmar

    So true, Ritu! I have admired how you have faced the struggles in your life and emerged triumphant. I completely agree that we don’t need to sacrifice our lives for our kids. I took a complete sabbatical when they were born and slowly edged back into work as they began school. It gave me a freedom to enjoy their childhood, be around for them and yet not breathe down their necks. Besides, wouldn’t they grow up to be better, well-rounded human beings if they took care of their needs and also respected the fact that their mom worked and had other hobbies and interests. A post that completely resonates with me.

    • I took three or so years off, for each child. Believe me I was delighted to get back to work and converse with humans who spoke full sentences, discussed politics and shopping! I guess being Mama is not all that a person wants in life. We want more

  • You are right Ritu , burdening our kids with our expectations, puts a lot of pressure on them. Let them be independent to dream and live their dream. And let us show the path by respecting each another’s individual space.

    • Space is important, in every close relationship. Otherwise, it leads to bitterness and suffocation

  • You are truly inspiring and admirable!
    To be a successful parents, it is important that they make sure that their own lives are fulfilling and rewarding too and it just does not revolves around the kids only!

    • “Happy Mom means happy home. Angry and sulky Mom makes horrible food,” my sons used to say. They understood that I needed a break from them. I needed to go see a movie with friends.

  • I am sure someday I’ ll agree with you ,Ritu. But being a new mum I do find myself living only for the toddler. This may be temporary . I hope it is.

  • Agree completely. When I quit a full time job, the older one was 13 and told me categorically. ‘I don’t want you breathing down my neck!’ As if I was going to!! i had enough things to keep me occupied, even as I do today. Yes, it is the biggest gift a mother can give her children — the freedom to be herself, the freedom to them to be free.

    • Oh yes. We need space. Every close relationship needs it. So a visit to a beauty salon, a dinner out without them, a movie … it is all necessary

  • Freedom is absolutely so important in our lives.. in fact as a Mum I like your role of having your own life and giving an equal space and freedom to your boys.. In our culture people around just mar it away as if a woman’s life is only about marriage and baby reproducing.. she forgets about her own life..

    • It can be suffocating both to the child and the mother. I love my kids but I need to get away too

  • Merin

    Very well said Ritu, So touched by your article.

  • And that is the best way to be… when kids start realising that their mother is an individual too, apart from being a mom, they will start realising a lot of other stuff, like treating their mums as they would treat any other person – with compassion, and not making unreasonable demands because they “expect” her to give everything up as she is the Mom. These are the worst kind of values we subconsciously impart in kids – and also they result in stereotypical behaviour which is then passed on to them, and they pass this on to the next generation.. I can say this, because I have been directly affected by such impractical and outrageous expectations, and I know how it feels to be tied to your family and “bound” by it, through obligations and sacrificial tendencies… literally.
    It kills you. Some day in the future, they will fly away and build their own nests, and you are left with a life sacrificed for this loneliness that you did not see coming.
    Scary.
    I respect you, Ritu, for breaking out of the trap and giving the right upbringing to your kids.

  • Thank you Punam. Yes I do face the empty nest syndrome, my sons are adults. But thankfully, I have enriched my life and do not need them for something as basic as combating loneliness. I love their company but then I have other occupations in case they are busy.

    You know, it is such joy to know that they come and sit with you because they want to spend time with you, and not out of a sense of duty or obligation.